A Child Trapped in an Adult Body

I can’t feel myself quiet well. Who am I? What I like? I’m not sure who I belong to? I’m not sure if I’m happy or living a life of lies. These were my thoughts during the past few weeks. Recently I had came across quiet an interesting book by Alice Miller, ‘the drama of a gifted child’ which talks about a child who is flawless and perfect yet its all a drama. Children while growing up learn the drama of life, recognise the actors and adapt to the role intuitively. Its an embodiment of a role unconsciously assigned by the adults. I have to be honest, I have read bits and pieces of chapter in that book but I wanted to reflect something most of us do on a regular basis i.e., associative regression (adult becoming a child). The drama of the inner child can sometimes be out in the open as an identity crisis or inability to understand oneself, uncontrollable emotions without a reason or just mere unhappiness with life. These feelings never fade nor become too much, but that subtle low mood can be consistent and excruciating.

Some people ask us, whether mental health professionals are crazy or the field makes them crazy. I always reply saying, ‘everyone is crazy’ only that some are functional and regulated while those who cannot need help. Associative regression is learned behaviour where one automatically spirals down into a self that was hurt primarily and respond from that younger self. For eg. If a child has been always been called names and abused in front of peers due to which he/she has been scared and emotionally withdrawn. This child when grows up faces a criticism from a boss who is giving feedback on his/her performance, tend to feel the same emotion with increased intensity as she felt as a child. Even if the situation might be manageable, it can seem emotionally taxing. This is what psychologists are interested on, the patterns of emotional response with respect to a problem. If you have been rejected as a child, or bullied in school or neglected of your emotions, you grow up to be an adult deprived of those emotions. So when as adults if an individual disregards your opinion or an argument occurs in workplace, you tend to regress into a child and respond like a child trapped in an adult body. This is why it seems like problems occur in the same way in your life because the child self only knows to deal with it in a particular way i.e., learned behaviour.

That is why we need to befriend our inner child to be functional and regulated in our current life. Inner child is a theory belonging to ‘Transactional analysis’ by Eric Berne to explain the social transactions of people in relation to their internal stage of development. In lay terms, it means how you respond to the world depends on what has been fed to you. If you want to change, we need to feed what is been deprived inside of us. I see patients coming in and personally I practice a lot of inner child work and trauma related behaviours with them especially in treating behavioral disturbances such as interpersonal conflict, communication difficulties, emotional dysregulation leading to difficulty in sexual intercourse or inability to socialise etc. But as a therapist, I see a child in these adults asking to be seen, asking to be played with, asking for appreciation and asking for love. If you give the child what it needs, you can eventually see the child in the adult body growing. Growing to be a functional and regulated adult with an ability to be aware of his/her emotions and cope there forth.

If in some way, you have had a difficult childhood or your self doesn’t accept that it was difficult, I would suggest taking therapy because its a sensitive area to work on as it needs professional support. If done alone, can lead to severe uncontrollable emotional outburst followed by unhealthy decisions. But, what you can do for yourself from time to time is revisit the inner child. Such as being playful, getting a hug from loved one, sleeping in loved one’s lap, playing in water, visiting a theme park and writing letters to old self. All this helps to make your inner child feel safe, appreciated, free and loved. If in any case, you remember certain difficult experiences, I again encourage you to approach a mental health professional as it can happen again if left unattended.

What can you be aware of.

1. If you have been feeling extremely emotional and you have difficulty managing day to day activities, approach a therapist.
2. If there have been triggering events around you when you interact with people, or when you are in a relationship, be aware of your emotions and find activities that can make you feel at ease such as coloring, breathing or a self hug.
3. If there have been certain patterns in your life you are aware of, write it down and be aware of it. If its occurring often, visit a mental health professional.

Finally, play along with your inner child. Most of us have not received all that we wanted and we keep looking for it outside all our lives. You need to give that to yourself for the child to heal. Show love to your self despite of how people see you or you have seen yourself so far in your life. What matters is, self-validation. Even if the world is against you, at least you be for you.

I trust you child 😉