Are you falling in love or falling with the idea of love?

“Let all that you do be done in Love” 1 Corinthians 16:14″

Happy Valentine’s Day,

Please Note: “This isn’t a diagnostic account or a self-assessing tool. It is just a few points to reflect and always remember to address these in a therapeutic environment under a registered Psychologist”.

Modern dating situation has primed us into believing that falling in love is unrealistic and having a real relationship is a stupid choice. Many young adults today stumble at the idea of new relationship with fear of being hurt, rejected, lonely and worthless. They are unsure of what to expect in relationships and are willing to settle for anything that gives them the bare minimum. So, are we really falling in love or falling with the idea of love?

When we look at toxic relationships, we understand that sometimes letting go of them goes way back to our early days. It stems from our difficult attachment styles from our parents, previous unhealthy relationships and our sense of self being undifferentiated. In lay terms, we carry baggages and throughout our life we find people to fill in the gaps that are empty. Those empty spaces which was supposed to be filled with significant people in your life such as your parents and your loved ones.

Most often we don’t look for a partner but we look for a parent. It isn’t universal but if you look back at the pattern of your relationships, we realise we do want something more than what a partner is supposed to give. We look for physical touch stemming from lack of touch from significant people, we look for attention which was deprived and we look for safety because of the unsafe environment we grew up in. It is complex when we look at why we actually fall in love? And when they fail to fulfill or do not respond the way we expect them to, we are filled with anger and disappointment that wasn’t actually stemming from your partner’s fault but goes way back into your past.

When we fall in love, we need to fall in love for the right reasons. This is why, we need to work on ourself before actually finding a person to share our life with.

What are some of the red flags to look for when we are pursuing a relationship?

1. Lack of boundaries: This is one of the common mistakes we do when we aim to make the relationship work. We fear rejection which makes us let go of our boundaries in relationship. What is a boundary? Boundaries are limits you set yourself and for others to maintain a healthy sense of self. How do you do that? Saying no when someone invades your personal boundary or being assertive when someone probably disregards your values or forces you to be someone else. If you find yourself discounting boundaries in relationships with the fear of being rejected, most likely you are being a red flag. Also, if the other does not respect your boundary, the relationship isn’t worth it.
2. Need to be perfect (pleasing): If you find yourself falling short or feeling insecure when you are with your loved one, you are placing yourself unrealistic standards to be someone so the other person sees you as someone worthy. This most likely might be stemming from a sense of low self-worth or having an urging need to be accepted or seen as worthy by the people we love. It is normal to wanting to be seen pretty and perfect. But if this is your constant struggle to be someone who you might be not, most likely it needs to be addressed in therapy alone before you pursue a relationship.
3. Emotionally unavailable: You shut yourself when you need to be emotionally present for your partner. This also means, you avoid conflicts and put problems under the carpet. Most likely it could be stemming from fear of vulnerability or giving yourself to the other person. This is synonymous with anxious-avoidant attachment style. It’s important to re-evaluate past relationships and see the root cause of this fear. You might also find your partner telling you either that you are distant or that you seem to not care. Be aware of your emotions and bring it to therapy.
4. Fear of commitment: You do not want to invest in a relationship because something is holding you back. Despite of finding a good partner, you seem to struggle with self-doubt and mistrust. It probably is coming from a fearful attachment pattern but its important to evaluate your fears. If you are dodging the commitment talk for months or even years, ask yourself ‘what is holding you back?’. Again, its important to bring it in therapy before you decide to be in a relationship.
5. Fear of being lonely: You said yes to them because you have no one in your life right now. This is stemming from your need to be validated and to feel good enough because someone’s worth is giving you an identity. This could be because there isn’t clear differentiation made at the earliest stage of development and this lack of healthy identity can lead to unhealthy validation seeking behaviors from partners. If you can’t be alone, then your feeling of loneliness isn’t going to be cured by being with someone. It is a much more deeper problem. Seek help!
6. Low self-worth: Sometimes its just there has been deeper issues we are battling within our self and that is making us question our worth when someone is willing to show unconditional love to us. You seem to be having difficulty accepting love and letting the other person treat you the way you deserve to be. If we don’t see our worth, the relationship might just get toxic as time goes by. It’s important to address the reasons behind our low sense of self-worth.

A healthy relationship feels safe, comfortable, authentic and trusting. You need not push yourself out of the way to make someone look at you nor let go of your values to accomodate people in your life.

It’s time you find someone with whom you can be YOU without being fearful!

Don’t just fall in love with the idea of love!

You deserve healthy love! 🙂