Hey Love,
“Being vulnerable is the only way to allow your heart to feel true pleasure” – Bob Marley
Hope you are doing well. I have written this piece to reflect on the inter-generational patterns we carry around in relationships which is unhealthy yet comforting. Why do we stick to doing something that might hurt our peace?
Why do we feel the need to nurture others to an extent where you discount your own well-being? Is this a problem? Or can we call this co-dependence? I can clearly relate to some of the individuals who are innately driven towards taking care of others. It seems like a good virtue to hold onto but when you introspect, those boundaries that aren’t clear can itself create problems in relationships. People inhibit and suppress, the cries of their inner turmoil which can itself cause harm as well as the concerned people in relationships.
Sometimes growing up with certain personality traits would encourage certain behaviours that could be detrimental to one’s well-being. People growing up with narcissistic trait parents adapt to a personality where they start to attend to other needs and nurture their growth while inhibiting their own growth. When does co-dependency take form in relationships? It is also purely psychological where their needs or self will be fulfilled by feeding others ego. It becomes toxic to an extent where they might lose their self-esteem.
When one loses their own sense of self, there is confusion and fear. This holds them back from attending to their own needs. When this becomes a habit, the ego loses its identity. What is important in relationships is maintaining boundaries which are clear and distinct. These boundaries should enable growth for both the individuals in a relationship.
Let’s find ways to find your authentic selves through the following steps which helps you to introspect on your inner turmoil and work towards reducing your current dissonance.
Find solace within yourself
Buddhist meditators find meaning within themselves. When you search deep within yourself, you will find answer to the unresolved doubts that you hold onto in your past or present. Th first step is to start within yourself. Love thyself. When you disregard your inner self, it starts rotting by losing its existence. Why don’t you start asking yourself a simple question like, how are you doing today? Is there something that you are worried about?
Loving yourself isn’t selfish. When there is confidence and nurturance towards oneself, only then it extends to others in relationships. Learn to appreciate your drawbacks, strengths, likes and dislikes. It is important to pay attention to your goals, dreams, wants, desires and visions in life. And when you pay attention to you needs, work towards it. You will notice that your body will slowly and progressively attend to your needs. Get started with yourself.
Be aware of boundaries
“I find it hard to say no when people ask me something”, most of us can relate to this statement. We also find many self-help books addressing the issue on being assertive in situations that can be toxic to your well-being. The basic problem to this would be something called ‘lack of boundaries’. When there aren’t clear boundaries in relationships, your personal space will be invaded. Boundaries give rise to a sense of independence and growth within yourself. The space allows you to explore your inner strengths by making oneself less vulnerable to toxicity.
Assertiveness comes with a sense of confidence within oneself and one’s own abilities. It provides an individual with an ability to create that boundary in a healthy manner. It demands respect as well as trust in relationships by encouraging others growth in the process of finding one’s growth in relationships. When one enhances or nurtures the characteristic of creating healthy boundaries, then relationships take beautiful turn in one’s life.
Listen to your gut
Trust your instincts and encourage your growth in this world. It is perfectly beautiful to have opinions. If you were criticized in the past for speaking up for your opinions, encourage yourself to give the space of healing. Believe that your opinions also have a voice. If your past is holding you back from facing the future, I guess it time for you to stand up for yourself. Benjamin Spoke once quoted, “Trust yourself, you know more than you think you know”.
Analyze and introspect on your thoughts and feelings. When you allow the space for awareness, your mind starts listening to you. Then your inner strength will grow.
Encourage personal growth
When you pay attention to your instincts, there comes personal well-being. Well-being became an over-valued idea where mental health professionals brought the revolution of mental well-being in individuals. It is as important as your physical health. If you rely on your emotions, feelings and thoughts to make sense of the situation. Why not pay attention to your own mental well-being?
So, begin your journey by exploring the needs and intentions that you are aspiring in your life. Give yourself time and space to heal your past bondages. Strive for excellence by gaining self-respect and confidence in oneself and others.
Find your healing space
We sometimes stop living and start draining. Our relationships in most cases becomes emotionally draining because of the enmeshed boundary. The space that one creates within a relationship becomes tangled and messed up where none benefits from them. It is sometimes perfectly alright to give up on people who haven’t respected your efforts. We can’t chase love and we can’t compel someone to care for us. It has to come from within where you have to feel belonged or attended by the other person.
When it doesn’t happen, move on. You can’t live another person’s life. Try and build healthy connections with others. Create your own healing space and develop inner strength from it.
Be committed to yourself
Our existence isn’t mere coincidence but a channel of valley where it has more to it than we think there is. The quote in the beginning of the article beautifully summarizes the existence of humanness. A child doesn’t learn to breath unless it comes out of its comfort zone. It struggles for some time but eventually learns the beauty of breath. Breath signifies aliveness. This aliveness is what we all strive for. We can’t choose fate but we have full freedom to choose our way of life.
Create your own happiness. Because the world is running out of love, tenderness and warmth. Why don’t you create the healing space within you and start living your life? As we know, love can be contagious, happiness can be contagious and healing will get contagious too.
Start today and start from you!
Stay happy!