I am Altruistic; Hence Scared to Say NO!

Hello People,

We live in a world where there are people who are helping someone in the road selflessly, on the other hand someone inflicting pain on a fellow colleague for personal satisfaction. Some people see themselves as superior than others while some feel their superiority is meant to be used to help others feel superior. This world always has extremities such as good vs bad, healthy vs unhealthy, pure vs impure etc. And in other times these extremities are confusing due to its black and white nature. There aren’t middle paths which helps us to make a decision. You know a person can be good yet they might possess qualities which doesn’t fall in line with certain kinds of people or a person can be helpful yet other times he has to think about himself. There are these shades at which humanity functions right?. But these shades usually doesn’t sit well with our mind.

My favourite Psychologist Leon Festinger proposed a theory called ‘Theory of Cognitive Dissonance’ which explains that people tend to have a discomfort when their thoughts and beliefs contradict with their action. This puts them in a difficult place to take the right decision. This is most common with social behaviors such as interpersonal communication, problem solving in groups or even with moral decisions. I was curious to explore one of this area which struck me again and again after seeing patients in and out repeating the same thing. That is, ‘I want to care for others at any cost, hence saying no is not an option for me’.

Personally, I would fall into the same dilemma that I do not want to hurt anyone even it costs my self-esteem. I believed it. I pursued it for years until it got to me for real. I broke. I realised I was breaking and I didn’t stop. I pursued to be the person who would get hurt at the cost being good to others. I have seen it with many of my patients breaking down at every stage when they step-up to help but get hurt every time. I asked myself, what are we doing wrong here? It’s such a thought-provoking existential question because the answer for that question is actually, “NOTHING”. So, now we are even more confused that if i’m doing the right thing, why am I feel horrible?

That’s the cognitive dissonance, the dilemma of doing the right thing according to our beliefs/values and our action making us feel wronged. Hence, not wanting to do the right thing makes us feel uncomfortable. We all have been there, going an extra mile for a friend when internally that was too much to accept. We went to that party when your body and mind said No. You took that phone call when you wanted to have your ‘Me’ time. You helped that person when you were broke that month. We all do. Isn’t it? But do you want to pursue at the cost of your own mental well-being?

Altruism is a beautiful concept of humanity. It shows that humanity is rooted in love and grew in love. It showed us the light when we were in dark and a path when we were lost yet we still don’t understand it fully. Altruism is considered a virtue (meaning mostly inborn trait) not everyone can possess, you need to be born with it yet can be cultivated. Altruism is a empathetic act done for the well-being of others which improves one’s quality of life. The key fact about altruism is, one wants to serve others not out of compulsion but out of pure empathy. At certain times, it becomes compulsion for us to be good to others even if we are not feeling that way internally. (Dissonance)

Here, I want to focus on things that we need to look back and ask ourselves. Am I altruistic or just afraid to say no. If the answer is the latter as it was for me, I would want you to ask another question. Is this helping you in any way? If the answer is no, consider conscious revision.

Let’s look at some pointers that can help you to revise your boundaries.

1. Awareness is primary. You need to know that you are being uncomfortable at some points and you are unconsciously saying yes to things. Pay attention to things you allow and ask yourself if you are comfortable.
2. Trying to say no at least once in your lifetime so far. Believe me, that one ‘No’ can change your life.
3. Believing and repeating everyday that saying no is not equal to being bad.
4. Being able to stay uncomfortable after saying no. Because remember it is supposed to make you uncomfortable for days even months but that is normal. You aren’t imposing anything bad to yourself. It takes time and pain. But take it before it consumes you.
5. Regardless of the relationship, say no and teach them to say no when you do the same to them. And when they do, be aware and gentle. They are also trying.
6. As parents, its important to teach at a young age to allow things that are healthy and beyond that to say no. Children learn faster and its easier for them. So teach them as early as possible.
7. At the end of the day, you are working hard so reward yourself. Meaningful rewards, good words and gentle pat on the back that at least you thought you should say no even if you couldn’t muster up your courage to do so.
8. Don’t confuse altruism with saying no.

Have a nice day.

Your’s truly,

Misconceived Altruism 🙂