“He tried to sleep, but his head was filled with faces of lunatics, their palsied hands, their shattered eyes” – Sebastian Faulks, Human traces
CAUTION: The term ‘Depression’ used is not synonymous to the ‘Clinical Depression’ which is clinically diagnosed by a mental health practitioner. In this article, it is used to define ‘feeling of low mood’ with problems in day-to-day functioning. The term ‘Panic attack’ used is the same used by practitioners because it was properly discussed and diagnosed by a mental health practitioner. “Being a Psychologist, I did not self-diagnose”.
There have been a time when people with mental illness was seen as a monster and been kept locked in cages in a far-away mental asylum. I think the fear associated with the term ‘mental illness’ have not been counter conditioned in humans ever. But I really want to understand the association of ‘FEAR’ and subsequent action. Fear being the main predisposing primary emotion for anyone to develop a mental health condition. Fear changes people, to the better or worst. And some seek optimum fear such as a riding in a giant roller-coaster, entering scary house designated to induce fear but usually seen as a fun activity, sky-diving etc. while some fear are in-grained and hard to break which is crippling to function effectively such as fear of public speaking, fear of snakes, fear of heights etc. While when fear hits, we call ourselves monster and keep us locked in our mental cage!
Now, Fear! I was astonished how most of the mental health conditions are rooted in response to an event which induces fear. Why don’t I feel sadness as primary response or disgust or anger? Why it has to be fear? We can give a physiological explanation such as our brains especially amygdala designed to sense fear and send response to hypothalamus to make sense of the situation or an evolutionary response such as our pre-disposal to be hyper-sensitive to prepare for events that might cause harm. It makes sense right? But have you thought how our fears are born? Oh, yes developmental psychologist will argue on early childhood experiences, temperament, parental involvement and parental traits etc. There it is! Nature vs Nurture (An on-going debate in Psychology).
But, a huge BUT, I want to understand the monster in my head. The monster that scares me, gives me anxiety, stops me from doing what I love, breaking relationships and making my life a mess. I’m scared of the monster which ‘I’ created in my head while some out of my will and some not but its part of me. So, I’m scared of Me i.e., my thoughts.
Fear is largely created by us based on our experiences, past traumas and frequent exposure to similar hurtful situations which all leads to a framework in our mind. This framework we can assume might look like a interconnected maps with an absolute aim to protect us from getting involved in those events which our mind detest. We once felt scared and never want to feel that way again because our minds do not like them even a bit and its also trying to protect in itself. But when we do get exposed to a trauma, its largely automatic and gives rise to THOUGHTS which just gets fired with warnings that is usually negative. And its crippling. It doesn’t stop there as it goes into this perpetuating cycle of never ending triggers of fear. In the below given diagram, do you see how I have mentioned the ‘fear’ prior to the actual ‘trauma’ and that’s because most of the fear are perceived fear than actual fear. This is why most people never take risks and never challenge themselves because its pre-existing and that does not mean those fears aren’t real. It is as real as it is because your brain can’t differentiate types of fear so again it all largely depends on how we are going to work towards it.
FEAR →TRAUMA → FIRING THOUGHTS WITH NEGATIVE VALENCE → PHYSICAL/MENTAL CRIPPLING → FEELING PATHETIC/HELPLESS → DEPRESSED → FEAR
I had a time in life where things seemed scary, uncertain and helpless when your own self gave up fighting for your life. If I have to elaborate on how it seemed to be in that state, I would say I felt like I was possessed. I used to shiver, run around and hide in the corner of the room screaming ‘Help me, someone help me’. I had no one around me, nobody to lean on and nothing gave comfort. All I needed was that monster to stop chasing me and leave my body forever. I agree I sound like an exorcist but that’s when I knew depression is not as fancy as it seems to be. I felt I was in a dark space, nothing around me felt optimistic and I remember trying to run away from these louder noises in my head which kept getting louder and louder as time went by. It told me that ‘I’m useless, that people hate me, they are going to fire you, they are talking about you and you need not exist’ as you can see I can go on and on. One thing I knew is, I’m not okay! I needed someone to help me so I called my friends, family and whoever possible but I wasn’t happy with the response. I prayed but I couldn’t find God. I felt everyone just gave up on me and I have no one to rescue me. At work, with my patients it got difficult as counter-transference became automatic and I couldn’t help it. I started feeling smaller and smaller until one day my body just gave up and I had a panic attack. It happened once, then twice and I dreaded the occurrence of it happening again. After my first panic attack, I was so scared as I used to roll-up like a cocoon and cry everyday at night. I couldn’t lift myself up to even make food or groom, but I went to work (I Had to). This was my life, crying at night and lifting myself up for the day. This monster in my head got bigger and bigger; stronger and stronger. I was breaking into pieces.
I had told my story of battling my monster, while I also want to tell how life became better later. So, my coping is always spiritual. I took multiple attempts to become better and as I was seeking for help; I found I created this monster and its my responsibility to bring this down. I then decided to understand my monster. Because my monster I believe wouldn’t have planned to hurt me because it was hurt and that was its attempt to protect me. Only it didn’t know the right way to protect me. That is why I decided to let my monster know how I feel and also to get to know my monster. So I started this relationship with my monster. Rest is our love story.
Stay tuned for Part 2 where I would talk about my love story between me and my monster 🙂
Thanks for being here till the end. Greatly appreciated. It isn’t just a rant but an attempt to let you know if you’ve been there, there is a way forward definitely. Do not give up! Please! again I repeat DO NOT GIVE UP!