“For my part, I prefer my heart to be broken; It is so lovely, dawn-kaleidoscopic within the crack” – D.M Lawrence
Hey Love, I promised you’ll that I will tell my love story and I’m happy that most of you have decided to come again. Thanks for waiting!
‘LOVE’ is an overestimated word isn’t it. It’s used almost all the time in every relationship even if we understand it correctly or not. We respond to ‘I love you’ by returning that ‘I love you’ back at them. Why? Is love a give and take deal. Or are you supposed to love someone just because they love you? Is it a written rule? I’m very curious on how people assume that the other person would return your love just because you give it to them. You might be thinking at this stage that I promised to glorify love and here I am condemning love. I love to dig deeper into things before actually accepting it (Did you notice I just used ‘love’ to express my fondness towards introspecting).
Alright. Even if we really are fond of something and ‘Love’ is used in our day-to-day conversation to express the intensity of fondness, how does that intensity gets communicated? We can somehow sense the extent of love a person has towards you. People say, ‘It feels right’. So, when they say ‘ I Love you’ and you sense the vibration. The percentage of the vibration hitting you is subjective yet confirming (or even intuitive). Another parameter for measuring love is their actions and communication at your best and worst. These two things are primary factors to understand whether someone really loves you. But have you heard this ‘Psychologists say you hurt the one you love the most’ and everyone is making this viral. If we have to quote “Love is kind, Love is Patient. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does NOT DISHONOUR other, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs” (1 Cor 13: 4-5). This is from the Bible and even otherwise no psychologist would ask you to hurt the one you love. But sometimes some people do not know how to love, that is why people pursue unhealthy relationships. This isn’t exclusive for only romantic relationships, its with every relationship i.e., interpersonal and intrapersonal.
Intrapersonal relationships are often taken in the wrong light such as either disregarding the need to seek support or glorifying the self without wanting to change the existing patterns. But let me tell you, even if we are the best individuals there is always an unhealthy pattern that exist within us. Unhealthy patterns not necessarily those that are our weakness or insecurities that we hold onto but patterns which used to be healthy at one point in life but not anymore. What do I mean by that? Let me just give a basic example, as a child we used to pee on our diapers and no one saw that as disgusting because how else a child can pee if he/she doesn’t know to go to a toilet yet. In a similar way, you stay in a relationship, you’ve been took care by your partner and both were happy until one point you find that this isn’t working out and you separate. Once that happens, you continue to want to be taken care because you don’t know how else to feel loved. Here! This is unhealthy because our self is resistance to change. Of course, you need time but some of us do not allow to grow out of it because I tell you, its painful.
Because it was painful, I never did that for a long time and let my monster grow within me. My monster told many things, in a way that was actually to protect me but it didn’t know if it was right for me and for us. This relationship within me with my monster got toxic and I gave up. I was stuck there helpless and voiceless. But something within me desired to become the person who I used to be which is also a part of my monster’s desire as well. So, we started to hang out together because anyways we both were in gutter and no one else was there for us, so why not?
We spoke our first word
It wasn’t a breezy day when the sun was shining pleasantly with a beam of rays falling on us. You need not meet the love at your best all the time, its completely fine. So, we were just sitting and crying I guess when one of us wanted to understand why did the other person was hurting. It was me who took the initiative and I asked ‘What happened to you?’ and there was no response. Mere silence! I asked again, ‘What happened to you’, ‘Why you are hurting’, after a little I heard a feeble voice. My monster spoke the first word to me, it said ‘I’m scared’. And I asked why? There was no response and I waited for a while for it to reply (Seen zoned fine!).
We questioned each other’s motive
After being seen zoned for a while, I was headstrong to not to initiate again. So I waited and then can’t wait anymore. I initiated again (Don’t judge me okay?). I asked again ‘Why are you scared if you don’t mind me asking’ (Reframing works all the time) and my monster said ‘What do you want to hear from me’, ‘Why are you so persistent’ and asked me to leave him alone. I was hurt, deeply hurt by the response. And I started crying because I was also having a hard time and I didn’t want any of us to keep living a miserable life. I said ‘I’m also scared that we might end up messing our life’ and I’m scared to be scared all the time. I’m done crying over things and I want us to see the light again. I believe there is hope and only if you let me in, we will be able to sort out, I said. My monster came out of its cage and told me that ‘its intention isn’t to hurt me’.
We gave us time to process
I sat day and night thinking about my monster and the conversation we had for a short while. My monster on the other hand, was fighting between the desire to find peace and the fear of pursuing that desire. We took it slow and never rushed because we both knew its a process and this process will require each other to give time and space. Even though I detested my monster personally, I did respect for the way it is. I can’t deny.
So, we slept in peace some days and cried other days but our life went on. There had been times we both wanted to talk but was scared of hurting the other person. So, we just let it be.
We spoke again
On a Wednesday morning, I heard a voice from my monster saying, ‘I’m scared that we might mess up our life as well but I don’t know what to do’, ‘I do not intend to hurt you but if i did I’m sorry’ and I was astonished by those words. I felt acknowledged and supported. I felt this is progress because acknowledging is the first step to resolve any issue. I looked at my monster in the eyes and said, Me too! Finally, we agreed on something. I demanded my monster that we should start planning and working on this as soon as possible. Before exiting the door, I looked behind at my monster and said, be there at 10 am tomorrow.
Planning
We started to discuss on factors that made us feel that way and it seemed we both had unresolved anger and sadness from the past. We did not want to try again because all of our past kept us glued to the negative experiences. We fought and disagreed for some things and agreed for other. Finally, this was our plan. We chalked out the things that we originally used to do but never did. We found reasons for not doing and consequences of pursuing those things. Those that was least scary we put it into our to-do-list. We both were content and we had a moment there (Blushing).
Acting
We had our morning tea with the view of the clouds, it felt different. We danced together even though it was hard for us both. We acknowledged our insecurities and started being aware of it every time it triggered. We did things together and that made a lot of difference than me trying alone. Because if I pursued it alone, I might just be ploughing a barren land.
Back and forth
I wouldn’t say our lives lit up since the day we started doing things together. We disagreed and fought a lot of times but we also agreed we need to be there for each other. We went back to 0 many times but we kept on our promise we made for each other i.e., If any one of us gives up, we remind each other our goal (to be at peace). After all, my monster was merely an emotionally hurt human. It felt exactly what I felt but little different than me. Learning to love the way they are is much more important in relationship right?
Our love grew
Okay! It was weird but I actually like my monster. He isn’t that bad, no not at all bad. We had flaws, we rectified it for both of our happiness. I understand we are still in the process but we chose to do it for each other. We did things we loved. We read good things and about the people who had a similar journey like us and were engrossed in our life that we created. And one day we realised that we weren’t in the dark space anymore and life suddenly looked beautiful. Things around us seemed pretty and people around us were good. We woke up feeling energised and slept like a baby at night. We never complained about life and we never felt helpless anymore. We encountered the insecurities with love and handled each others emotions maturely. We aren’t those unhappy adults anymore. We are grateful for our lives and the fight we put together.
Confession
There needs to be a day where we communicate the love we have for each other right. My monster initiated it (things change when there is love) and he said, ‘he loves me’. He said he loved the way I fought, I stayed headstrong about our goal and the way I kept loving. I was blushing throughout and I said, ‘Me too!’ (You want me to say more? Nah I’ll play it hard).
And we lived happily ever after. NO! We fought, we had struggles of our own and we got back and it was a process as times changed, things changed, challenges levelled up yet we knew how to get back at life.
NOTE: This is a fictional representation of my battle between my inner self and me. But this story isn’t a fiction, its a true story. I had to do this for myself to be able to live again because we all deserve to live. We deserve all love, peace and happiness yet we need to recognise life isn’t only about positive emotions. Its an on-going battle, it depends on your skill to ace it and stay hopeful at hard times.