No Strings Attached – Self-Sabotaging In Relationships

“Sometimes you have to drop your guard, so your heart can breathe” – Emma Xu

Happy New Year to all the lovely ones who encourage me to write more, the ones who enjoy reading my blog and the ones who wish me luck when I’m stuck. I surely took a long time to come back to my blog. Here I am, a new person with more experience and more reflections to enlighten you. Let’s get into our new year’s first post, RELATIONSHIPS!

It’s 2023 and our definition of a relationship is operationally defined in million ways possible to fit into our comfortable framework. There are different ways relationships function these days. Situationships and no strings attached is quiet a pain for many who are looking for a meaningful connection. It also means, we choose relationships in a way that is comfortable for us. Yes! Comfort is a cozy and safe space where we feel less threatened and more in control of our circumstances. Yet, time and again we have discussed the price we pay to be in comfort zone i.e., redundant lifeless life. The more we shift towards a safe zone, more we self-sabotage our own life. So, I would like to reflect on a most common mistake we do in relationships i.e., not letting yourself to be vulnerable.

Vulnerability is an over used word in the internet and social-media today. Whether we understand the true meaning or not, it’s commonly misused in our everyday vocabulary. Vulnerability is a state of being in a less powerful position or a weak position which puts you in a state of uncertainty. None of those sounds good. Isn’t it? Who wants to be powerless or weak or in an uncertain position? Yet, in therapy we are able to help people because they become vulnerable. Vulnerability is a also a place of trust, courage and patience. Yes, even if it might not be synonymous to what we described vulnerability to be earlier, it is a place of tremendous power. Then why do we get uncomfortable to be vulnerable in relationships? Fear!

Relationships rooted in fear gives rise to broken marriages, toxic relationship patterns, lack of communication and lack of emotions. It’s basically a lifeless tree soon to be dead. Right now in 2023, we have relationships rooted in fear. Let’s not blame anyone for instilling this fear. We are humans, we learn, we experience and it’s hard to shrug off those emotions we felt. We cannot forget what we felt. That doesn’t mean we don’t have to trust again. Or that we don’t deserve a healthy relationship ever.

What do we do? Let go of the veil and show ourselves or test the waters. That’s a tricky choice that you need to make. Let me remind you again about the three characteristic of being vulnerable again to help you make the choice.

1. Trust: The ability to trust someone comes from being able to have consistency. Consistency is when someone says and does the same thing over a period of time without having to waver or doubt themselves often. It isn’t about everyday texts or calls, its about being on the same page. Bible describes trust as someone you could rely on, someone who would speak the truth and eventually that stregthens your relationship over time. You need to trust them and let go of the veil. Here, we do not promise forever’s but we need people in our lives to do what they are supposed to for us. They lead us to who we become to be. So, three questions. Are they consistent? Are they saying the truth? Is your relationship getting strengthened with time? This brings us to the next quality. When you trust, you are inevitably courageous.
2. Courage: Courage is often describe in shallow terms in today’s world. You are expected to act tough, show that you have your life sorted and being able to control your emotions. These are just mere signs of being a coward. Because you tell me, how would you be if you tell your coworkers that you have been in mess lately? You might call me ‘crazy’. Yes I know you would be terrified to put yourself out in the open just like that. Because being vulnerable requires some guts. Right? None of us are daring at all times and most of us never give it a try. My priest mentioned today during sunday mass that, Jesus would never want a coward. He always chose someone who is courageous or atleast made them to be one. So, you don’t want to sit in your comfort bubble expecting to grow and meet someone special. Get out and be vulnerable. Be courageous (Joshua 1:9).
3. Patience: A virtue that is way more emphasized and much less practiced. No one wants to wait and see the result. We want to get over hurt fast, learn fast, change our age old habits fast and get healthy fast. Sounds good but you didn’t grow up fast. It took that many number of years for you attain that physical, mental and emotional capacity right? When we talk about letting yourself be vulnerable, you need to give yourself time. We all carry baggages and for some there is so much to unload. It’s important to do something but give time for things to improve. If you think it’s hard for you to be vulnerable, go slow but don’t get stagnant. Do not expect to feel good once you let go of the veil and trust. You will horrible and nasty, you might even regret making that decision to trust. But do it anyways. You won’t know now. You will know when you grow to be someone who is emotionally much intelligent one day. And you can raise a family that is healthy and vulnerable but in a safe way.

The choice to be vulnerable is a slow process which requires honest communication, safe space and truthful confessions. It’s built over time and if its someone you could trust, let the veil go slowly at a pace that is right for you at the moment. You might even be hurt at times but that doesn’t mean you shut off people forever. You need to step out of that comfort zone. Let’s not self-sabotage our relationships or go for meaningless no strings attached relationships. Be real!

In this new year, let’s be trusting, courageous and patient in relationships. Make healthy choices and be a wonderful person to your loved ones. Be also ready to get hurt, cry and heal! You cannot savour the fruit unless you cultivate the ground well.

Happy New Year Beautiful Souls!