The Contraindication of Self-Pity
“The most despicable form of cowardice is self-pity” – Marcus Aurelius
Hello People, It’s a pleasure to write an article during the season of love. As we celebrated Valentine’s day this month, there have been hints of loneliness in people who detest their singleness this year. Anyways, we are celebrating love through which we are indicating that people around us give us an opportunity to feel loved. Love helps us to face adversities by helping us develop a sense of belonging. This time I thought introspecting these power that comes during adversities will be interesting and I found some insights to share with you all. It was again a tough period where I was introspecting the power of resilience. I’m always surprised by the ability of an individual to be able to breathe again, live again and smile again yet we perceive life as if it has come to an end during our painful period. The extremities are funny and even if we realise when pain comes emotions overrule.
There is a series I was watching in which a lady loses her husband in an accident while being left with a small child to raise alone. She weeps and grieves wanting to die along with her husband yet she has no choice but to live for the child. She detests the person who might not be responsible but blames him while the series ends in a note where she shares how the pain disappeared gradually and she can laugh again without guilt. It made me think about the power of bouncing back after a traumatic situation “without guilt”. It’s easier to forget the pain but difficult to bounce back because the guilt holds us back. The guilt tells us, that we don’t deserve to be happy after losing a person or making a mistake and that self-forgiveness should not be an option for us.
Yet, we seek self-pity over self-forgiveness. We want to be seen as accepted but in real we don’t accept ourselves. We want to be seen with pity which in turn leads us to a feeling of helplessness. It’s sometimes feels safe to give up and sit in self-pity but it doesn’t nurture growth. The growth that would make us laugh again without guilt. Here I am reflecting and sharing on the contraindication that self-pity can do to us.
In order to understand self-pity in the context of healing from a difficult circumstances, its important to understand the powerhouse i.e., emotional resilience. Emotional resilience is an ability of an individual to bounce back after a set back and research backs up that to achieve emotional resilience; we need three things: realistic optimism, spiritual beliefs and social support. Realistic optimism can be also a personality trait which enables feeling hopeful about the present decisions and the sense of belief on self to achieve those decisions. Spiritual beliefs can differ from person to person but the essence of spirituality is to believe in doing good and believing that good exists in the world which would help them have meaning and purpose in life. Lastly, social support is the foundation of human well-being leading to a belief that people are good if the world is good and that promotes a sense of hope to fight the problem in hand.
Now that we understand the essence of emotional resilience but what makes someone heal faster compared to others. If its something that everyone possess, then why would certain individuals develop mental disorders. There are a lot of factors that can lead to the feeling of hopelessness and helplessness in dealing with a difficult situation such as family upbringing, genetics, early childhood experiences, negative self-image or lack of support. But, one of the most important turn off is us who lets us feel the way we do. As I mentioned self-pity is a personal mindset which we adapt automatically when things go havoc in our lives.
What is self-pity?
Self-pity is a state of mind where they experience a sense of sorrow, sympathy and pity towards oneself with response to a suffering. It works in accordance to the depression triad of helplessness, hopelessness and worthlessness. To give an example, the self-pity is like an automatic pilot mode where we think that the world is cruel to us and that we can’t do anything about it. This absolute mindset leads us to believe that possibilities to feel happy is never going to happen. This leads us to overtake complete depressive state without taking any action.
Self-pity vs Self-love
Self pity is an easier alternative because of the lack of attention we perceive from others when we suffer. Therefore, we give sympathy as a form of attention to attend to our internal needs. Self-love is hard on the other hand since it requires acceptance of ourselves completely without being too critical of ourselves. These two can be overlapping but the difference lies in the acceptance as it is and moving forward to believe we deserve to feel free from the current bondage’s.
Self-forgiveness
Self-forgiveness on the other hand is a difficult virtue more so because they create a moral dilemma between choosing good and bad. In other words, if we are wronged by someone, forgiveness is a good virtue but if we make a mistake forgiving self seems like accepting a negative virtue. In therapy, we battle along with client’s on these thoughts of unforgiveness towards one’s thoughts, behaviors and emotions.
Take-home message
When we choose to forgive and accept ourselves, there is a sense of non-burdening happiness which we allow ourselves to experience. The burden of joy doesn’t creep us when we fall asleep at night or live our life as we want. I believe many of us carry the sins on our shoulders and deny our joy to inflict pain on self for our perceived sins. But what if I told you that you too deserve forgiveness to heal? It never always others forgiveness that gives us salvation but the ability to accept and let go for our own healing. I understand you made a grave mistake but isn’t it cruel to hold it responsible all our life. If self-forgiveness is hard, forgiving others becomes even harder than you think it is.
And when we forgive ourselves, we heal from our wounds eventually becoming more empathetic and open towards others. You handle life differently and develop the emotional stability leading to increased resilience. That is, when problems occur you tend to fight back and bounce to your neutral state easily than those who self-pity. This resilience allows growth than compared to a mere pity.
Do not sit in darkness and discount your happiness. Our pity doesn’t take us anywhere.
Have a Lovely Month.