Trauma does not have to occur by abuse alone – Dr. Asa Don Brown
Hello People,
Its been a long time since I spoke to you all through my piece. I have been on and off shifting between good and bad days which lead me to take a break from writing for a while. I’m back with some personal experience and professional reflection on the topic of ‘Trauma’.
Have you ever felt lost and down without a reason where your life looks fine but you aren’t? Have you felt that you tend to cry a lot even when you have an amazing job, a loving partner and a comfortable life? Have you been one of those who felt that something is wrong with me yet can’t locate a reason? This is where I have also been for some months now, looking to locate an answer. That is when I chose to attend to it, instead of sidelining my problem at hand. When I attended to that emotion and tried to feel it in my body, I found that I’m regressing to my past. I then, looked into ‘Trauma’.
I believe, trauma is a subjective matter. I have seen patients who seek therapy do not call their problem traumatic but they consider other’s problems to be traumatic even if it reflects the exact concern. We really have very high standards for the word ‘Trauma’ isn’t it? It has to be sexual abuse, domestic violence, natural disaster etc but have you wondered what happens when you have such high standards? We neglect the real problems at hand and we underestimate the impact of the event in turn leading to unhealthy coping. I have my patients telling me their disappointments from loved ones, bullying in school, neglect from parents or even a break-up. We do not consider these traumatic because these are supposed to be normal as it is experienced by a vast majority of people. But I want to discuss in here, the invalidated self and the unintended trauma leading to a life with the same patterns of events unfolding in every stage (Like I felt lost).
There will be a time in life when things will seem blurry and your emotions unfolds unintentionally with little control over the outcome. These periods are the ones where our life seems fine and there are no complaints but you cannot understand the inner turmoil. The inner turmoil letting you feel blue when you wake up and wet your pillow at night. I do not prefer trauma cases because I feel I cannot relate and empathise in a way that is required. But over time I realised, I had set higher standards for trauma leading me to think, this requires higher skill. Eventually I saw how trauma unfolds in people’s life through things that are unintentional and unconscious as common as a normal reaction to fear.
I would like to share a case of a patient who I saw recently in my clinic. A man in his late 30s who had come to the clinic with his wife to seek treatment for infertility. They had been trying for pregnancy for last 8 years according to the wife and she said there was no proper intercourse for the past 8 years of their marital life. The couple had been referred to me for lack of libido for the husband and marital disharmony. I saw them together first to understand whether they have any underlying sexual dysfunction but everything seemed fine. Then, I noticed the body language and the interaction pattern of the couples with me. That is when I noticed, this isn’t a couple’s problem but an individual’s problem creeping into their marital life. You might be wondering what I actually noticed in their body language and communication. I noticed that the husband isn’t talking (which can be seen commonly yes) but he was in slouched position and his hands were shivering. So, I enquired if he has been on any other medical treatments for which he said none as such. That is when I spoke to the partners separately. I asked the husband if there could be something that is happening with your wife or whether she has hurt you in any way because we should never ask about them when they seem defensive, scared or on the spotlight (because problem was said to be with the husband). So, I diverted it to ask about his wife and his family and eventually he spoke (he wasn’t uttering a word so far to any of the clinicians and his wife). It’s important that we don’t make them feel we are against them.
The husband’s part of the story was that he was brutally beaten all his life by his parents for every small action of his leading to a fearful reaction to people scolding him. He is scared of his wife’s father because her wife had mentioned about him to her father for which he scolded him badly. He shivers at people when he feels they are against him which stopped (with me) when he felt I’m not condemning him. His wife said he has a fear of touch and OCD (Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder) tendencies. He also runs away from home time to time from childhood and does that even now. Basically, a child who had been hit all his primary growing years may feel that it does not qualify to be called a trauma but now it does because of the impact it has on his life.
Through this case, I reflected at how we invalidate our traumatised self leading to a fragmented identity (some from the past and some from the present). We live through this fragmented identity of ours which also means its still part of us. Our lives may improve, things around us might seem good but the self which is fragmented will always be bleeding to attain peace. This is where we work with patients to touch that part they have kept under the carpet. Personally even I didn’t realise until I felt I had parts of me which is required to be nurtured.
Unattended trauma are asymptomatic until it reaches a threshold which after leaves no room for self-rectification. It can be intrusive, pressing and leading to disruptions in daily activities. This can be presented at times as self destructive tendencies due to the dissonance it creates such as pain felt yet not being able to find the cause. Most people come at this stage of dissonance to understand the reason behind their emotional and behavioural changes.
When the self is left being invalidated, the self suffers a loss. The loss is felt either in the form of neglect or helplessness yet it’s important to validate the pain be it big or small, the impact is impact. If we choose to not to validate, the consequences takes form as overcompensating for the past fears, seeking external validation, seeking toxic relationships, choosing to stay in a relationship with a fear of not being able to escape and lack of self-concept etc. All these stemming from the events that traumatised you in your past (not 100% but literature does point at it). So, what can we do to re-integrate the broken parts?
Revisit your past
There are things you want to forget which you distract from yourself from time to time, things that have been bitter yet is still vivid in your memories. The normal reaction to these traumatic memories is to not to attend to them but its necessary to attend from the self that has experienced the trauma. If the child part of you hates your parents or the adolescent self feels neglected, go back and experience it. The answer to any of these problems starts from the place it originated.
Allow yourself to experience agony
Most of us do not attend to these memories due to the fears that keep us haunted our whole life. These fears lets you feel crippled and helpless once you are in that self that had been traumatised. Allow yourself to feel hurt again and be vulnerable because not being would prevent healing from occurring. Remember, these have to be done gradually and at graded levels to help yourself to manage the emotions effectively. Eg. Take the diary where you wrote about the past, re-do the things you stopped due to fear of disapproval or re-visit the school where you have been bullied (all at graded levels). We are aiming to make peace with the self and eventually your mind will build resilience out of those events.
Forgive yourself
Most times, the forgiveness isn’t about the people who hurt us in our pasts but the personal forgiveness which becomes difficult. There has been a time when we work with clients, we ask them to start the process of forgiveness. But most people do forgive other much easily than they do to themselves. The self that is traumatised is also the self that is detested. The self is detested probably because it didn’t speak up or stand up for oneself, the ‘could have’s’ are the ones that makes us have reservations to forgive oneself completely.
Restructuring Boundaries
Moving through the path of trauma also allows us to blurry of our boundaries because boundaries keep re-shifting according to the personal growth we attain at each stage. In developmental psychology, we discuss about attachments where a secure attachment with the caregiver allows the child to explore one’s self and identify personal boundaries and as she/he grows it’s restructured to the maturation age. But if a part of our past keeps us stuck in a specific stage of life, the personal growth becomes stunted leading to dysfunctions. It’s important to question ourselves when we allow unhealthy choices in our lives which is hinted through either emotional outbreaks or just disruptions in daily activities. Ask yourself, should I allow it or not?
Re-establishing Connection
A person who has undergone a trauma also has a vulnerable self with fear clouding their judgement. The ability to be able to re-establish the lost connections or develop a new connection becomes increasingly anxiety provoking. Again, a compassion towards the self with sense of being able to accept graded fear should be the starting point to heal the injured self. Eg. Try to attend a workshop of your interest to meet new people or try to engage in an activity you stopped or even call a friend first before she/he does. Remember, you are doing this for your self with compassion.
Re-organise Life and Revert from Comfort
A person who prefers comfort should know what discomfort feels like. We are so busy finding happiness, finding joy and peace but there is no distinction when you have been so comfortable living the same old safe life without wanting to accept change or discomfort. Nobody wants change yet people prefer taking these decisions because they are ready to feel the pain to take the gain. Re-organising one’s life also comes with great discomfort but also a new way of self-exploration and personal growth. Remember to allow change when life demands it.
Hope you do start showing compassion to yourself. Happy Weekend 🙂